POST-NUPTIAL SHUTOFF: ARE YOU EXPERIENCING IT?
The other day, hubby and I were out talking to a group of friends from college. It didn’t take long for everyone to start reminiscing about the good ole’ days and how life has changed. Then came an unsuspecting question directed at my husband— “so have you started experiencing the post-nuptial shutoff yet?”
I couldn’t stop laughing. I thought I knew what this friend was referring to, but I had never heard it spoken of in this way. Once everyone regained their composure, he told us there was a forum online where men were discussing this awful issue they face after marriage. Of course, I came home and looked it up. I found a question that said “Married guys: how long after the ceremony did it take for your wives to start shutting you off?” Comments that followed included “3 and a half weeks,” “about 2 months pre-nuptial” (yes it said pre-nuptial not post-nuptial) and another that said “Welcome to the misery of marriage – we didn’t warn you ahead of time, because we like the company. If you don’t have kids and she’s already shutting you off, you are in for a long, lonely haul – usually happens after the 2nd kid – women just don’t have the need like we do. You’ll have 3 options: Divorce, Get used to flagging your mule,
Get really good at begging her.”
My first thought was, why do they always blame us? Then I got a headache 🙂
No seriously though, I knew this was something people said would happen when you have children, but I’m not sure how true it is that sex declines after getting married. Is that what we are in for after our one year, honeymoon phase ends…in 11 days? That doesn’t sound right, does it? And does this only plague men? Can women suffer from post-nuptial shutoff or are we just the cause? I can’t just ask people I know about this, right? That would be rude? I’d really like to hear some opinions about this from people who have been married longer than us.
Just to see what the professionals thought, I looked up some boring numbers and found that the American Psychological Association reported, in the June 2017 – “By the numbers: What’s happening in the bedroom?” feature that sex is, in fact, declining in married couples. Just disappointing! Married couples, on average, are having sex 56 times a year which is a decrease from 67 times. What the actual hell, married people? And to top it off, there’s one age group actually seeing an average increase in sex and they are in their 70’s and up. I mean…I am happy for them, but what about us?
By now, I am sure you have figured out, whether you are experiencing post-nuptial shutoff or not. The real question is what should be done? I have a few questions and thoughts about this. First, the couple must not have been sexually compatible to begin with. Second, how long have these couples been together including married and dating years because it sounds like some new tricks are needed. And we must point out that women usually have a lower libido than men do likely because we are on a monthly hormonal schedule instead of the daily schedule men experience.
Is it too much for a couple to start tracking their hormonal cycles for a few months and then start planning “dates” based on that schedule. At least for someone who is a planner (like myself) you know what to expect and are more likely to be in a good mood.This will also help to eliminate those times of feeling rejected. What do you think?